I started my first blog shortly after my son died. I had written our story in a sort of feverish desperation to get every detail out. Every single last gruesome, horrible, tragic, beautiful and longing part of it. I hadn’t ever thought about “Stillbirth” before. Not once during the 40 weeks and 4 days of my uncomplicated pregnancy did I imagine anything would go wrong. I never knew this happened so often. I felt very alone. I had to tell pieces of the story over and over again all the time to friends and family who were trying, just as much as I was, to wrap their heads around this unimaginable loss. I thought if I could just get it all out, all the images in my head and the way I was feeling it would help.  It did. I shared it with some friends and with the “Baby Loss” community and networks I now belong to. I was told I should put it on a “blog” . I didn’t know what that was at first. I figured it out and shared it on Facebook. Before I knew it my story was viewed almost a thousand times online. I used that space to continue to write about grief and life after loss. I don’t know how it reached so many but I am so grateful for the opportunity to share my son’s story with the world and receive countless e-mails and  comments of such a deep and encouraging manner. I was offered a spot as a contributing writer for Unspoken Grief recently so I decided I would focus mainly on writing for that site over my personal blog. As the months go by this thing that I never thought would change has changed. It HAS gotten easier. There HAVE been days without hyperventilating crying episodes. There HAVE been days of joy. I feel it incredibly important to still reach out to others who are going through this living nightmare by musing about the intricacies of what it is to lose a baby. I feel like it is my responsibility.

It is also my responsibility to take care of myself. As much as I totally wish I was 4 years old again getting pampered in bed like a sick child would, having my hair stroked, screaming when I felt like it and not lifting a finger when I didn’t feel like it- I can’t. The world moves on, my car payments still come out of my account every 2nd Friday and I still have to do the dishes and walk the dog. So, I will save the dark parts of Stillbirth and it’s devastating aftermath for my contributions to Unspoken Grief and I will continue to write often because it makes me feel good but I will write about just that- feeling good.

Before losing my beautiful 8.3 pound first child in labor I already battled an anxiety problem for years. I took anti- depressant medication off and on and always kept a bottle of Ativan in the cupboard next to the spices. Now, I have something so huge in front of me, a nervous-wreck monster waiting to consume me in one gulp. I decided to chuck the meds and start making an effort to treat my issues with other things. Sunlight, baking, DIY projects, new recipes, reading, yoga and other simple things that make living life an OK thing to do. I have to CHOOSE life over death every day.

If I make a blog about it maybe I can help others who are stuck in their own ruts. Maybe I can share some useful tools with others who experience anxiety the way I do. Most of all, I will force myself to keep going with it. I will have something hanging overhead reminding me that I need to write about healing so I better try to heal this week/month. Whatever works!

If you are here and have experienced a loss like mine and would like resources please contact me. My original blog can be found here at Life After Hayden.

xo Sammy




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